The Spontaneous Sex Illusion

Inti-Mate Blog Spontaneous Sex Illusion

How many of us still believe that great sex MUST be spontaneous; that if it’s planned, it's somehow not as good?

Most of us, right?

Here are a couple of things that might change your mind:

Female Desire

One of the things sex educator extraordinaire Emily Nagowski talks about is the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire.

75% of women are more dominant in responsive desire as opposed to the more typical male penis owners, who are more dominant in spontaneous desire. That means that, more often than not, 75% women will ONLY experience desire when something sexually relevant is already happening.

On top of that:


The Psychology of Anticipation

I love Tali Sharot’s Ted Talk about the optimism bias (well worth a watch); but what really stuck with me was the research behind anticipation that she introduces.

Tali Sharot's Ted Talk - The Optimism Bias

(If you're short on time, skip to 11.40mins and watch the next two minutes.)

George Loewenstein, a leader in the field of behavioural economics, undertook research on the optimal time frames of anticipation.

Imagine getting a smooch from your favourite celeb, and then he asks how much you would pay for that dream snog to happen again over different time periods -  immediately, in three hours… in three days… in six months, ten years, etc.

The most popular answer?


If it’s immediate, it’s over and done with, but if it’s in three days, we have enough time to really get excited. Any longer than that and excitement diminishes.

It’s why we prefer Friday to Sunday, even though Friday we are working and Sunday is a day of pleasure. It’s all about anticipation.

I suggest to clients that planning something a few days ahead - planning what you want to do, what you are going to wear, making sure you’ve got time and other ‘breaks’ out of the way - allows anticipation to kick in so we can actually enjoy the experience more.

This planning is actually a form of foreplay, meaning something sexually relevant is already happening, so we are more likely to feel desire!!


So yep, spontaneous isn’t the only way to have good sexy time. You know, because science.

Want more? Click here for our free IM Pleasure Ed Class, all the sex ed you wish you’d had growing up.

Sex geeking everywhere today.  🤓

Much love

Caroline. x

p.s.  Have you joined our Tribe?? In the IM Woman Tribe Facebook group, we talk frankly and openly about how our bodies actually work, myth-bust years of damaging cultural advice and strive to love and accept our bodies exactly as they are, right now. 

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