What are you scared of?
I joke that it’d be when the voices in my head answer back.
But more recently I’ve noticed how much I have been escaping:
Mediation has to be guided, music has to be on, Netflix on while I fall asleep to distract me from my thoughts, not spending time alone, even emotional eating - when it’s pretty much just eggs and chicken it gets a little boring.
All of that is me numbing to something.
The initial response in my head is, ‘I don’t know.’
Well, that keeps me sated for a minute, if that.
When my clients say to me they don’t know, I get curious.
When we say we don’t know - we normally do know but don’t want to hear the answer, or we aren’t prepared for the answer because it means our life will have to change.
So I’m sitting here, at the parents’ pad, a little distracted by other peoples’ presence - because you know, as long as I’m here, I can’t delve real deep and get the answers.
I write: ‘What are you scared of?’
'That you’re a failure because you’re not married, you’re wasting your time on someone who doesn’t care for you, repeating the same pattern over and over again.'
'Who do you think you are - this business is a joke. You can only be successful if you share your story? Well, firstly, who wants to hear your story? You’re nobody, you can’t even hold down a relationship, why would anyone want you to help them?’
‘You are a failure. Give up now.’
Now, I know these voices have been here for years. Their focus alternates between being overweight, not having any money and being unlovable.
Every time I take a step forward, they kick off, tying me down to keep me where I am.
Our bodies are designed to keep us alive, we know here is safe, moving forward is unknown, scary, potentially dangerous.
I am expecting this. The business is gearing up and my health is my priority - so today the voices are picking on the other aspect of my life that I feel most vulnerable about: my relationship status.
I’ve been brought up with the message, ‘the happiest people are married people’.
Is this actually true?
Yes, some of my friends are super happy in their marriages, but I know people that are desperately unhappy and are staying put because they are more scared of being alone.
Some of my friends are desperately unhappy being single. Some of the most amazing people I know are happiest alone.
If you’re reading this, you know I am all over deep, meaningful connection with your partner, your friends, your family and, most importantly, yourself.
At the moment I am challenging this - the happiest people are married people script. It’s certainly not mine, and it doesn’t feel right to me.
What feels right....
When I am 100% open to love and connection.
When, instead of being passive (a victim), I let my intuition guide whether something is right for me.
When I’m truly honest with myself this ‘failure’ story turns into – ‘I’m on my own path.’
I’m okay with the fact that heavy, deep stuff will show up - if I allow it, I process, I share, it dissipates.
When I fight it, it grows, it gets darker, it feels scary as hell.
My invitation to you:
Next time you are numbing - avoiding what’s going on in your head - spend some time with yourself.
Journal prompt; ‘What am I scared of?’ or ‘Where do I feel unsafe?’
Then look at the evidence.
Chances are it might be a script, someone else’s story that you are running.
Then the fun starts, you get to rewrite those stories.
If you are looking for help in rewriting stories around your sex life please reach out here.