Mind the Gap

Inti-Mate Blog - Mind the Gap

I have been experiencing ORGASM GAP RAGE. Well, yes, you may be thinking, of course, I’m a sex educator so I should be enraged, but that’s not why.

Yes, the orgasm gap is notable. Psychology Today defines the orgasm gap as the fact that, in heterosexual sexual encounters, men are more likely to orgasm than women.

In one study, a 52% orgasm gap was found. That is, 39% of women and 91% of men said that they usually or always experienced orgasm in partnered sex.

Yes, it’s horrifyingly unfair, and completely unnecessary.

What bugs me, even more, is that there is so much bitching and moaning about the orgasm gap, but VERY little is said on what to do about it.

Moaning doesn’t help, in fact, it’ll just make it worse, just the act of low-level stress and discomfort numbs us to pleasure. So moaning about the orgasm gap - or not being able to orgasm, or only being able to come with that one toy, or in that one position, or feeling like you have to race to the ‘goal’ and feeling somehow lesser if we don’t get there - it WON’T HELP.

So what will help?

EMPOWERMENT. All the way. Taking responsibility for our own pleasure.

One of the most disempowering stories we can tell ourselves is: it is up to our partners to pleasure us. If we don’t get any, it means they’re shit.


Ladies, it is time we took matters into our own hands. Figuratively and literally.

Here at Inti-Mate there are four steps to empowerment:

1.     Pleasure-infused sex education

Sex education in the western world, which misses out on the clitoris, teaches us from the age of 11 that a man’s ejaculation is more important than a female orgasm, and by not mentioning pleasure, it indicates to us that pleasure is something to be ashamed of.

2.     Releasing the brakes

If you're in the IM Woman Tribe, or read Emily Nagowski’s Come As You Are, you know that libido isn’t a fixed linear entity, it’s made up of sexual inhibitors and exciters, aka brakes and accelerators.

And exactly like when you’re driving a car, if you don’t take off the handbrake, even if you do get going, it’s a fairly awkward and ineffective way to drive.

3.     Hitting the accelerators

Once you learn to release shame and counteract the stressful effects of modern life, you ramp up the pleasure.

The best way to do this is by using somatic techniques that teach us how our own body works. My body responds differently to your body, and we will both respond differently to Janice’s body. So we have to learn from our own experience.

Techniques include mapping, breath work, and movement. These techniques help us to really understand that arousal doesn’t just happen TO us - we can influence it and play with our own arousal levels and experience. Fancy that!!

4.     Practice makes perfect

Learning anything new, whether that is riding a bike, driving a car, baking a cake, or understanding how your own arousal system works, doesn’t just happen overnight.

The difference between practice and play is so important.

Creating space to practice allows for new neural pathways to be created, this will often feel clunky, a bit awkward it isn’t always going to go perfectly. Remember the first time you tried to drive a car?

Creating a safe space where you expect ‘clunkiness’ gives you the permission to get curious, and allows for mistakes without fear of disappointment or looking silly.

Make sense?

Seriously, no more messing around, ladies. If you want to close the orgasm gap, get to know your own body and experience a more deliciously connected, pleasure infused life stop moaning and take action, get practicing.

Learn how YOUR body works.

And no, you don’t have to do this alone. We’ve created an online programme that will help you teach yourself how to train your libido in the comfort of your own home, hit this link to find out more or contact us to find out how else we can help.

Big orgasmic love.

Caroline. xx