Sexy Safe Sex

Inti-Mate Blog Sexy Safe Sex

Dirty secret time, my career before I set up Inti-Mate was in health and safety. Water safety; a Legionella bacteria specialist to be exact. Turned on? No? I wasn’t either….

Fast forward to now. A much sexier career choice I’m sure you’d agree, but there are a few crossovers from the world of H+S that are damn important. Grab your hard hats kids, I’m going to make safe sex SEXY.

By looking after ourselves and our partners we are demonstrating respect. If you have watched our IM Pleasure Ed Class you’ll know why this is so important. If you haven’t, go watch it now.

We know respect is hot: the more respected we feel, the more we can let go and explore. As you know, I love a bit of the brain-science-geeky side to things. Here’s a little logic and science to back up those ‘feels’:

Deep, gooey connection’s biggest enemy is distraction (aka sexual inhibitor or ‘breaks’). You cannot be immersed in anything, whether that’s solo sex, partner sex, cooking, yoga, watching Bake Off or all five at the same time, if you are being distracted.

At best, it breaks your flow; at worst, it triggers guilt and shame, limiting the amount of pleasure we experience. Why? Physiologically, shame causes a disassociation to our experience – we physically pull away, avert our gaze, numb from the sensation. Numbing from sensation is not going to help sexy time!

What distractions typically come up when we are not ‘safe’?

Ladies or vulva owners:

  • Will he think I’m easy?
  • Will he like me if I make him wear a condom?
  • Will it feel like crap?
  • Will I ruin it?
  • Did he even bring any – and if he sees I have one, will he think I’m easy?
  • How many people has he slept with, has he been tested?
  • Have I taken my pill/am I ovulating?
  • What happens if I get pregnant? Would he make a good dad?
  • My dad would kill me…

Guys:

  • Will I lose my hard on, will she’ll think I’m crap?
  • Boobs… booobs….
  •  If she’s letting me go bareback, how many other guys has she done that with?
  • I hate Johnnies
  • Naked lady, naked lady, naked lady…
  • Is she on the pill? Am I ready to be a dad? Just pull out, that works, right?

Not the sexiest thoughts in the world right?

So how can we make this sexy, fun and feel awesome?

Unless you are fluid bonded (I love this term: it represents the closeness and intimacy created through having skin-skin, penis-vulva, penis-ass, penis-mouth, vulva-mouth -  allll the delicious combinations of genitals and oral contact) and prepared to have children, condoms are the easiest and cheapest type of contraception and the only method that protects you from STDs (sexually transmitted diseases). They are an excellent contraception (they prevent pregnancy).

So how do we make our little rubber pals our BFFs?

Ladies or vulva owners:

1.     Understand the level of respect you want and write it down e.g. finish this sentence The boundaries I have when it comes to engaging with me sexually are:

Up to date STI checks and condom/contraception conversation.

Agreement if we’re open/mono/sleeping with others/just for funsies.

Honesty and openness around feelings and desires.

2.     Carry some yourself and practice (see above)

3.     I find the phrase - ‘I really like you, but I’m not ready to have your babies’ does the trick quite well…

Or try ‘it really turns me on when you reach for that drawer…’

Or even; ‘please can you show me how to put this on, it’d really turn me on to do  this for us’

4.    Because science: if a women is both on the pill and using a condom, they are more likely to orgasm – less distractions, see?

 

Guys or penis owners:

1.     Practice: solo sex with them can feel really fucking good with a small blob of a water-based lube inside and a small blob outside (do not use silicone)

2.     Get used to putting them on; it’s a lot easier when you’ve done this a few hundred times. Your local GUM clinic dishes them out by the bagful so this won’t even cost you a penny

3.     Try different sizes; like a pair of skinny jeans, some will fit better than others

4.     Just get on with it. Condom negotiations demonstrate a complete lack of respect for your own body and hers, and it’s so hot when it’s not even a question

5.     If you struggle with maintaining an erection or would like more choice over how long you last, reach out to a sex coach who can help

6.     Girls are WAAAAY MORE LIKELY TO ORGASM, if that’s not a good reason, I don’t know what is???

See, safety is way sexier than you thought it possibly could be…

I believe pleasure-inclusive sex education is imperative for a happy and safe life, so much so that I put all the stuff we should have be taught about women’s bodies in one class, no charge. It is my gift to you so you can understand how your body works and how you can empower your own libido. Click here to access now.

Big safety-first cuddles,

Caroline. X

p.s. For more goodness,  join our IM Woman Tribe where we talk frankly and openly about how our bodies actually work, myth-bust years of damaging cultural advice and strive to love and accept our bodies exactly as they are, right now.

I mean why wouldn’t you??

p.p.s. Hit subscribe to get me and my delicious musings in your inbox each week.