The part I haven’t talked about.

I am sitting here, day one of my bleed and it’s time to share the parts I haven’t really talked about this last year.

In November 2021, and again March this year I was rushed into hospital with ‘women’s issues’.

Before I dive in, I want to make clear this is not a cry for help, I am not open to advice or rescuing, I won’t respond to either.

My intention here to share my journey, the messy and imperfect version, and to teach on how these are connected to the Feminine.

The Feminine as both a non-gendered energy, also referred to as yin, found in every person and aspect of the universe, and in a gendered way of how our relationship to this energy impacts living in a female body as a woman in our world today.

Aka, how God is related to P*ssy.

Back to the experience, both emergencies involved intense pelvic pain the day before my period. Not pop a couple of ibuprofen and grab a hot water bottle level - throwing up on my partner, pissing myself and screaming like a banshee pain. Real mess.

(I know reading this can bring up a lot of sensation in your body, gentle reminder no rescuing – and if you don’t know what I mean by that please go check Lynne Forrest’s work on the victim triangle).

The kind of pain the wonderful paramedics see regularly in women.

The kind of pain morphine doesn’t touch.

The kind of pain you make peace that you might die.

The kind of pain women have reached out to me about, because no one else seems to talk about it and the only answer seems to be surgery, restrictive diets, and pain meds.

At first, I was diagnosed with PID, tubo-ovarian cysts, fibroids and tilted uterus.

Now we’ve added endometriosis, hematosalpinx and endometriotic plaques, and some other big words. I’m being referred to a specialist.

And, because I am a grown ass women who takes responsibility for my body, my sexuality and my power, I am making non medical adjustments to my life.

This include removing excess estrogen, trauma work (releasing stored pain in the body), self-inquiry and body communication, non-restrictive nutrition, and nervous system regulation.

I also want to explore Chinese medicine, acupuncture, and self-massage and pelvic work.

I am bringing this here because this is a manifestation of how I have related to all aspects of the Feminine:

Motherhood and emotions

Birth and death

Intuition and chaos

My body, flesh, blood and sex.

I see women crying out for the world to change, for policies and politicians to fix things, for doctors to cut the problem out, and for men to be better.

This, my loves, is not the way.

This is our own internalisation of the patriarchy, infantilising ourselves, looking for some external Daddy to come save us.

This level of change can only come from inside ourselves.

For me this looks repairing my relationship to my body, taking responsibility for my body and for the consequences of the decisions a younger version, less informed version of myself made.

I want to share this with you because it’s uncomfortable, messy and imperfect – and that is what is True.

There are so many pieces that I want to unpack, from right relationship with the medical system, how oppression lives on our system and only we can change that, to what lifeforce energy is, the impact overriding our bodies communication, and of course my favourite things in the world, sex and steak.

And much more.

But this feels like a good start.

As ever, if this resonates, please let me know in the comments or via pm, if it doesn’t just tap unfollow.