“You feel so deeply”

If you’re not doing something with your life that would get the 16th century version of your burned at the stake, what are you doing?

Yesterday we wrapped up my first year in Perri’s Disciple with our pod call held by Olivia.

She gave me a reflection of the year, part of which included,

“You feel so deeply”

It’s one of the most beautiful things anyone has ever said to me, because I do, and because I held the belief it’s a bad thing or too much.

12 months ago I was so uncomfortable in my full range of emotion, I wouldn’t dare look this ‘crazy’ on line, or in front of most people. There’s still edge to it now.

I was too sensitive as a child, I cried at loud noises, tears were called crocodile tears, I needed to toughen up.

I was a moody mosher (the generation before Emo) in my teens, Nirvana made sullen cool.

In my 20s/30s anything too happy and sparkly was just not cool. My love of glitter and sparkles was playfully ridiculed, and it hurt.

I hid my downs and collapses for fear of being diagnosed with depression.

Throughout my whole life I felt the underlying sensation that I was somehow bad or wrong.

Last year in ceremony I could barely sit with women expressing rage, screaming, gutteral grief, I held the stories of it not being appropriate, it was too much, taking up too much space.

My own internal misogyny showing up for alchemizaton.

This year I have experience the most intense pain of my life and I let go, it was a deep initiation as I screamed blood curdling release of rage and fear.

Now I scream, and cry, and howl, and laugh, and growl, to name a few of the weird and wonderful noises in my practice.

I fall into releases of grief, pockets of grief and trauma daily.

And with the depth of pain and grief and rage.

The gross stuff.

The unladylike parts.

Has opened the fullest range of love and joy.

I laugh and cry so easily, I’ve moved from sepia tones to neon. I am proud of my crazy grief to joy moments.

Having this reflected back,

to be seen, held and loved here has taught me to see, hold and love myself.

What a gift.

As ever, it feels like we’re just getting started.

AND

There is a very human part of me that is like, yep, there you are, you’re one of those types now, posting ugly tears on the interwebs.